GOALS BEFORE GIRLS

Life is cake. Your beau is icing. A woman should only be a compliment to a man’s life, never the center of it. She is your frosting. Not your focus. Had Edison put relationships before achievement we’d still be writing emails by candlelight. A world where Einstein devoted himself to women, instead of physics, is a world where E equals jack-fucking-shit. Is that the society we want? A land of unsplittable atoms. A dark dystopia where the electric eel is but a pipe dream. The correct answer is absolutely nope.

CONFLICTS WILL OCCUR

Romance is the ocean. Sometimes the water’s smooth. Other times the water explodes with nagging, logic-resistant waves.. Monday. You and your girl bask in the cocoon of your collective adoration. Tuesday. Your lover has deflated your Judge Judy blowup doll with a razor-sharp Dixon Ticonderoga because you turned her humming bird feeder into a makeshift bong after misplacing your pipe at The Cracker Barrel gift shop. Wednesday. All is forgotten. The snuggle train arrives right on schedule. Romance is weather. Forever erratic. But fear not. A rainbow awaits those that withstand the storm.

STICK TO STRAWBERRY

Rhubarb is a tremendous source of calcium, but it makes for a lousy flavor of eatable undergarments.

DEMAND FULL DISCLOSURE

Ask your girlfriend if she has night terrors. Otherwise, she’s in the living room at 3:00 A.M. screeching “Die, evil specter! Die!”, and bashing a large hammer into your TV, which she believes to be a carnivorous ghost. You’re flummoxed. You try waking her, she mistakes you for a carnivorous ghost and ruins a bunch of perfectly good body parts by smashing them with a large hammer. Love is war, but it doesn’t have to pulverize the bulk of your skeleton.

CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES

If your girlfriend has an affair with Micky, during a Disney vacation, don’t confront the guy while he’s still in costume. Nothing is more emasculating than a public ass-beating at the giant, foam hands of an iconic, cartoon mouse.

COMPATABILITY IS KEY

Your girlfriend’s a cat person. Don’t be an anaconda person. The house is crammed with cute kittens. Do not buy a pet whose survival is contingent upon eating lots and lots of other pets. All it takes is one magnitude 3.5 earthquake and smash goes the glass off the anaconda cage. Gonzalo (your pet snake) celebrates his new-found freedom by eating seven and a half of your girlfriend’s eight calico cats. Don’t let this be you. Love is full of surprises. That surprise doesn’t have to be a domestic, reptilian slaughter fest.

NEVER LIE

Telling your girl that you served as best man at Johnathon Taylor Thomas’ wedding will make you more interesting in her eyes. “My boyfriend goes way back with J to the double T,” she’ll brag to friends. Not so fast, though. Wikipedia, home-wrecker that it is, betrays Thomas’ lifelong bachelorhood and, just like that, your credibility goes kablooey. Always choose truth.

PEOPLE CHANGE

Stockholm’s syndrome is one of natures most powerful aphrodisiacs, but it’s potency diminishes over time. Once the honeymoon phase of being held hostage wears off your girlfriend will start nagging as if the two of you didn’t meet because you kidnapped her at gun point.

ROMANTIC LOVE IS CONDITIONAL

When a successful bank heist leaves millions of dollars, and a lovely, young hostage/girlfriend, at your disposal the world is your playground. You spoil your sweetheart with Disney vacations and brood after snugly brood of calico kitten. She loves you with all her might. But, alas. Good luck is fleeting. You squander your fortune (and then some) during an off night at the cockfighting ring. Grab your thickest, winter coat because your girlfriend has a cold shoulder with your name on it.

GETTING DUMPED ALWAYS HURTS

You’ve adopted a strict diet of ice cubes save money on groceries. The girlfriend is not supportive. She mocks your ice patties. Shuns your aqua cookies. Then it happens. After pouting throughout what could have been a romantic dinner of H20 tortellini, lightly marinated in a succulent melted ice sauce, your love prisoner leaves you for a man that can afford “real” food. You’re so distraught you don’t even try to handcuff her to the sump pump.

LIFE GOES ON

That soul mate/captive you couldn’t live without will soon be a remote memory. Rob enough banks and hold up enough liquor stores and it’s just matter of time before you meet/abduct that special someone. Time alleviates the sharp pang of having your beloved bail on you. It lightens the heaviest of hearts. The mating market is a ruthless battleground. Love fearlessly, my brother.

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