Blonde woman mouth kisses giant gorilla.

I feel bad for the satirical news organization, The Onion. How do you write comedy that is funnier than the legitimate stories being published by every mainstream news outlet these days? Case in point, this article that popped up on the MSN website today. It’s a short one so I’m just going to post the whole thing below. I highlighted my favorite parts.

Women flock to Japan zoo to see ‘hunky’ gorilla

A giant gorilla with brooding good looks and rippling muscles is causing a stir at a Japanese zoo, with women flocking to check out the hunky pin-up.

Shabani, an 18-year-old silverback who tips the scales at around 180 kilograms (400 pounds), has become the star attraction at Higashiyama Zoo and Botanical Gardens in Nagoya, striking smouldering poses the movie model in “Zoolander” would be proud of.

“He often rests his chin on his hands and looks intently at you,” zoo spokesman Takayuki Ishikawa told AFP on Friday.

“He is more buff than most gorillas and he’s at his peak physically. We’ve seen a rise in the number of female visitors — women say he’s very good-looking.

Shabani, who has been at the zoo since 2007, shot to fame after being made the campaign model for the zoo’s spring festival earlier this year, Ishikawa said, adding that the ape’s paternal skills are also a big hit with women.

“He’s a father and he always protects and looks over his children,” he said. “Zoo-goers think his kindness is attractive too.”

Women have taken to social media to swoon about Shabani’s rugged looks, describing him as “ikemen” — or a hunk — and likening him to a male model.

A recent flurry of tweets has made Shabani a national celebrity, with Japan’s broadcasters NHK and NTV featuring the gorilla on popular shows.

“He will look you in the eye and sometimes if you’re taking photos it will look like he’s posing for you like a model,” said Ishikawa. “But he’s the head of a group of five gorillas so it’s likely he’s just watching out for them and keeping an eye on you.”

It’s no wonder really. Japan is the country that spawned the phenomenon of the “herbivore man“. Herbivore men are young Japanese dudes who shun lifting weights and sex with women so they have more free time to play the latest video games and shop for hairspray. They describe themselves as “grass-eaters”. It is believed that these new-fangled rabbit people are one of the leading causes of Japan’s declining birthrate. The Japanese Government is literally offering to reward young men with money and free health care if they would just put down the celery stick and get some ass already.

I’m quite critical of women, but I do have empathy for the gorilla groupies referenced in the article. After all, if you were a woman, which one of these men do you think you would find more intriguing?


This is a picture of a muscular gorilla starting into the camera as he chews on some blades of grass.
My eyes are up here, ladies. I’m a zoo animal, not a piece of meat.

Or Mr. Bambi?:

Homosexual Japanese man sits in a field of flowers. Herbivore man.
Hey girl. Let’s play Dance Dance Revolution and enjoy some platonic hand-holding.