Manophere readers are familiar with the idea of the situational alpha. He’s the football star who allows his girlfriend to disrespect him. The wealthy entrepreneur dripping tinkle down his pant leg because a rowdy ass-beater popped off at the bar. Basically, a situational alpha is a man who is extraordinary in a particular field of his life but ordinary in all the rest.
Recently, I noticed something interesting. I discovered a type of man who could be called an inversion of the situational alpha. I call this man the Outdoor Alpha. The Outdoor Alpha is dominant everywhere except inside the walls of his very own home. For that reason, the Domestic Beta is another good name for this type of guy.
Here are some common characteristics of the Outdoor Alpha:
- The outdoor alpha is a visually pleasing guy. If he is not tall, he is usually handsome, well-groomed, physically strong and dressed attractively.
- The outdoor alpha is a professional success. He might run a successful internet business. Maybe he is a hot shot lawyer. Whatever his line of work may be, he makes big coin and his associates respect him.
- The outdoor alpha has cool hobbies. He could be a member of the Lake Michigan Boating Club. Or maybe he is a Golden Gloves amateur boxing champ. Either way, the outdoor alpha does not spend his weekends couch surfing.
- The Outdoor Alpha is attractive to women. Girls are drawn to him on account of his good looks and above average flirting skills. When at the bar it is not unusual for women to approach him. And he’s the guy all of the women gossip about at the office. The Outdoor Alpha is not a nerd.
Despite his success, there is one domain where the Outdoor Alpha becomes a Domestic Beta bitch: In his own home.
I meet these guys all the time when I’m selling. I met one this week. Devon and I were chatting in the backyard of his Country Club Hills mini mansion. Devon is a wealthy, retired engineer. In his spare time he enjoys traveling to exotic locations all over the globe. He is no shorter than 6’3 and his concrete muscles come at you in big bulges under his luxurious clothing. He’s the kind of guy that intimidates everyone he meets. Not only because of his stature. And not because he seems aggressive or vicious. Devon intimidates people because every word that leaves his mouth is spoken with such unflappable confidence that it is as if he is reading words from a teleprompter written by God himself.
I was about to leave when Devon’s wife made her appearance be known. Cue the Ice Queen. Cue the coldness and the eye rolling and the incessant whining. Before the Wicked Witch of Country Club Hills showed up I was trying to sell Devon on a $400.00 tree and shrub package. His purple leaf plums were being ravaged by beetles. A beautiful pair of pom pom junipers near his circular driveway were rotten from winter stress. I wanted our techs to get out there to feed the plants and keep the bugs off. Devon said no, no and no. He said it was a waste of money with that Godlike assertion I spoke of before and I dropped it.
Guess what happened, though. The wife announced that the landscaping was in dire need of some professional treatment and I watched Big Bad Devon wilt like a wax tulip a under a scotching, equatorial sun. He didn’t even put up a fight. He just handed over his Am Ex. I couldn’t help but shake my head and give Devon a smirk after the Honey Badger marched back into her den. Devon saw my expression and said, “You know how it is, son. Happy wife, happy life.”
Sure thing, Devon. The two of you look really, really happy.
I feel bad for the satirical news organization, The Onion. How do you write comedy that is funnier than the legitimate stories being published by every mainstream news outlet these days? Case in point, this article that popped up on the MSN website today. It’s a short one so I’m just going to post the whole thing below. I highlighted my favorite parts.
Women flock to Japan zoo to see ‘hunky’ gorilla
A giant gorilla with brooding good looks and rippling muscles is causing a stir at a Japanese zoo, with women flocking to check out the hunky pin-up.
Shabani, an 18-year-old silverback who tips the scales at around 180 kilograms (400 pounds), has become the star attraction at Higashiyama Zoo and Botanical Gardens in Nagoya, striking smouldering poses the movie model in “Zoolander” would be proud of.
“He often rests his chin on his hands and looks intently at you,” zoo spokesman Takayuki Ishikawa told AFP on Friday.
“He is more buff than most gorillas and he’s at his peak physically. We’ve seen a rise in the number of female visitors — women say he’s very good-looking.”
Shabani, who has been at the zoo since 2007, shot to fame after being made the campaign model for the zoo’s spring festival earlier this year, Ishikawa said, adding that the ape’s paternal skills are also a big hit with women.
“He’s a father and he always protects and looks over his children,” he said. “Zoo-goers think his kindness is attractive too.”
Women have taken to social media to swoon about Shabani’s rugged looks, describing him as “ikemen” — or a hunk — and likening him to a male model.
A recent flurry of tweets has made Shabani a national celebrity, with Japan’s broadcasters NHK and NTV featuring the gorilla on popular shows.
“He will look you in the eye and sometimes if you’re taking photos it will look like he’s posing for you like a model,” said Ishikawa. “But he’s the head of a group of five gorillas so it’s likely he’s just watching out for them and keeping an eye on you.”
It’s no wonder really. Japan is the country that spawned the phenomenon of the “herbivore man“. Herbivore men are young Japanese dudes who shun lifting weights and sex with women so they have more free time to play the latest video games and shop for hairspray. They describe themselves as “grass-eaters”. It is believed that these new-fangled rabbit people are one of the leading causes of Japan’s declining birthrate. The Japanese Government is literally offering to reward young men with money and free health care if they would just put down the celery stick and get some ass already.
I’m quite critical of women, but I do have empathy for the gorilla groupies referenced in the article. After all, if you were a woman, which one of these men do you think you would find more intriguing?
Or Mr. Bambi?: